Tuesday, April 16, 2019

I never feel broken heart, I barely feel betrayed, but now I feel it, and it's hurt.

So last night, in a peaceful night, I whatsap my friends, just a casual talk as usual. At some point I did mention to her, hopefully I can take you to do Glasgow tour early next year, AMIN! *i was that "gak santai"

Another friend asked me "are you high or something" due to my lebay response toward his whatsap. I replied, "i'm stress, counting down the announcement day". And you know what, right after I replied that whatsap I received email, from Erasmus!

I panicked, I was shaking and keeping my zikr so Allah will strengthen me no matter what the result was. After I can control my body, I opened the email. I went through to the bottom and saw "meeting you in person", I gasped, I thought it would be a good sign but I was wrong. When I reread the email, it was actually a rejection letter, again. Yep, that was the 3rd time I've been rejected. However, the email mentioned that my name was put in the reserve list, so there might be an opportunity, the final result will be announced by mid of May. But hey, siapa juga orang yang mau nolak beasiswa Erasmus Mundus, daftarnya aja udah susah.

How did I feel? I felt betrayed, disappoint, sad, angry, you name it. After 5-10 mins breakdown I was numb, I stood up, open my laptop and started to fill the application for Australia Awards Scholarship. I am not really sure if I want to apply another scholarship, but I think that's my way to get distracted from my sorrow, by keeping myself busy. And now, here I am, 9 PM still busy with my work at the office. I pull myself out from people, I even uninstall my whatsapp, I didn't tell anyone but my best friend about this, and I hope he doesn't say anything to anyone. This is me, trying to cope with my sorrow by dissolve in my sorrow. I remember he asked me about this one day, "how would you feel if the result is not as you expected?". "I'll get devastated", I said. Well, it happens now.

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